Saturday, December 10, 2011

This Lifestyle Thing

I have been majorly compliant for the last 2 weeks.

At first it was a struggle. Then it became a habit. Keeping away from wheat, diary and corn helped with the food cravings, eating enough protein helped to dial them waaay down.

My weight now is 83.1 kg. Sticking to the Explorer food list seems ok now. I've even let myself relax around the "no soy" rule too. I'll avoid when I can but when it comes to my favourite things, I'll indulge once a while. Like my favourite Starbuck green tea soy latte. Or my sweet tau huay.

Work has been such a bust lately. I'm caught doubting myself, my abilities, my thinking. Not the best thing to be feeling in a place where job security feels shaky.

I haven't been giving myself enough me-time. On hindsight, I think I was attempting to escape certain truths about myself. It was too easy to escape into digital distractions and the busy-ness of work instead of facing up to myself.

Recently I was told that one of the initiatives I have been kinda taking the lead on, would be passed on to another team mate of mine. Which makes me wonder whether I was doing a good job in the first place.

Logically the other person has more credentials than me in leading a key project. After all, she has global experience leading key projects for the front office. She is also more assertive than me. On the other hand, I sit in the same site as the project manager and have a good working relationship with him.

I refuse to ask. After all, it is my insecurity that wants the answer to these questions. And from experience, whatever the answer is, will not satisfy me. The cause lies within me. My doubt on myself. If my internal is unshakeable, no one can jolt my inner world. I just need to face up to myself.

Thursday night was when I gave up running away from myself. I told my family that I'll have dinner alone outside and be by myself for a while.

It was good. I came back, feeling better and more centered. I even almost bought a ring to marry myself - a reminder to myself that I am the only one I've got. I've also suddenly remembered a couple of the NLP principals I have learnt.

The map is not the territory. What I think may not be what the situation on the ground is. I need to choose a better map that serves me and not throws doubt at my abilities.

What I focus on, expands. If I focus on the negative, I will only find negative evidence, proof to support my outlook. So again, choosing a better serving perspective serves me better.

The consciousness of choosing a new belief then finding evidence to support it. It is a matter of choice, to choose to believe that I am good in this job. Then finding the evidence to support it. Soon, the new belief becomes a part of me and I will no longer question it.

I've also been asking myself on how I can stay in the present. The deeper question is, how can I focus on the job at hand and be the most efficient me I know, without letting the fear of losing my job distracts me? It is also a matter of setting my intention right. Also the mind focus on the positive picture and not negative. Hence the thought of "what I can do so that I will NOT lose my job" doesn't work as well as "what is the best thing I can do, in order to serve my company better?".

I am also starting to incorporate tapping and a couple of mins to focus on the present in the morning to center myself. I would want to start meditating each night as well.

Last night I brought up the idea of a digital sabbatical with hubby. We are both intrigued by the idea - we'll try it out for a day when I am on leave 2 weeks later.

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