Test test

Hello, just to see whether this works. If it does, maybe I'll ditch the other blogging apps for iPhone and iPad.

So here's a test photo. Albeit a naughty one:

Moment of Truth

I'm returning to work today. And the moment of truth arrives when I put on my clothes. Knowing that I've gained weight, become flabbier during the one week annual leave, I've craftily slipped on my looser clothes. They still fit comfortably though the torso and thighs are a little snugger than I would have like.  

This year, I want to focus on the state of mind behind the eating. I'm alternately terrified and want to lose weight. I'm scared that when I lose weight, I lose more of myself. Like as though I'm disappearing. And yet, eating right and working out actually makes me stronger. For me, it's not so much about losing weight but to be the best physically I can be. That means being the strongest, being able to push myself to achieve great physical feats. That's why one of my goals for this year is to be able to do 1 pull up without assistance.


I remember what Mark Sisson said about the Paleo lifestyle. While I don't follow it, I believe in its precepts. Am I strong enough to rescue myself? I.e. I can outrun my predators, lift heavy things out of my way and swing myself up to safety? Being able to survive is like obeying Mother Nature's most basic law - live and thrive.

So today as I returned to work, I'm keeping the internal critics down on my weight gain. Instead I choose to focus on what I can do today and for the future for my self. Rather than berating myself on why I'm such a failure to gain weight, I've began to understand that I've not shifted from a diet mentality to a lifestyle mentality.


Throughout last week, I thought I'll give myself a treat that I won't work out, eat whatever I want, as much as I want, without listening to my body. However I didn't feel as good as before. The snacks, pastries couldn't hold a torch to my durians and bananas. When I choose not to workout, I've dreamt of working out.

So much for self sabotage eh?

For most of my life, I've been overweight or obese.

I want this cycle to stop right now.

Because I want to live my best life right now, for the rest of my life. 

This Lifestyle Thing

I have been majorly compliant for the last 2 weeks.

At first it was a struggle. Then it became a habit. Keeping away from wheat, diary and corn helped with the food cravings, eating enough protein helped to dial them waaay down.

My weight now is 83.1 kg. Sticking to the Explorer food list seems ok now. I've even let myself relax around the "no soy" rule too. I'll avoid when I can but when it comes to my favourite things, I'll indulge once a while. Like my favourite Starbuck green tea soy latte. Or my sweet tau huay.

Work has been such a bust lately. I'm caught doubting myself, my abilities, my thinking. Not the best thing to be feeling in a place where job security feels shaky.

I haven't been giving myself enough me-time. On hindsight, I think I was attempting to escape certain truths about myself. It was too easy to escape into digital distractions and the busy-ness of work instead of facing up to myself.

Recently I was told that one of the initiatives I have been kinda taking the lead on, would be passed on to another team mate of mine. Which makes me wonder whether I was doing a good job in the first place.

Logically the other person has more credentials than me in leading a key project. After all, she has global experience leading key projects for the front office. She is also more assertive than me. On the other hand, I sit in the same site as the project manager and have a good working relationship with him.

I refuse to ask. After all, it is my insecurity that wants the answer to these questions. And from experience, whatever the answer is, will not satisfy me. The cause lies within me. My doubt on myself. If my internal is unshakeable, no one can jolt my inner world. I just need to face up to myself.

Thursday night was when I gave up running away from myself. I told my family that I'll have dinner alone outside and be by myself for a while.

It was good. I came back, feeling better and more centered. I even almost bought a ring to marry myself - a reminder to myself that I am the only one I've got. I've also suddenly remembered a couple of the NLP principals I have learnt.

The map is not the territory. What I think may not be what the situation on the ground is. I need to choose a better map that serves me and not throws doubt at my abilities.

What I focus on, expands. If I focus on the negative, I will only find negative evidence, proof to support my outlook. So again, choosing a better serving perspective serves me better.

The consciousness of choosing a new belief then finding evidence to support it. It is a matter of choice, to choose to believe that I am good in this job. Then finding the evidence to support it. Soon, the new belief becomes a part of me and I will no longer question it.

I've also been asking myself on how I can stay in the present. The deeper question is, how can I focus on the job at hand and be the most efficient me I know, without letting the fear of losing my job distracts me? It is also a matter of setting my intention right. Also the mind focus on the positive picture and not negative. Hence the thought of "what I can do so that I will NOT lose my job" doesn't work as well as "what is the best thing I can do, in order to serve my company better?".

I am also starting to incorporate tapping and a couple of mins to focus on the present in the morning to center myself. I would want to start meditating each night as well.

Last night I brought up the idea of a digital sabbatical with hubby. We are both intrigued by the idea - we'll try it out for a day when I am on leave 2 weeks later.

Food tracking 16 Nov

Had 2 eggs and an otah for breakfast. Lunch was a porridge buffet with J and we had a good catchup on our lives.

I did ate some boiled peanuts and some lap chiong. Delicious.

Dinner was pretty light for me - I went easy on the rice but ate more greens. There's also chicken and bell pepper stir fry and spinach with egg soup.

The papaya was delicious and I had 2 slice in the end with 2 bananas.

Felt satiated and full after today's meals. Is good.

14 Nov Meals

Just tracking today's meals.

Breakfast:

Ma taught me how to cook this sweet potato dessert with some boiling water, sugar and ginger. And of course sweet potato. Yum!




Lunch was the usual Grand Salad with all it's yummies. After some thinking, I did added feta cheese, soy, almonds and some tang hoon. I'll work on cutting out soy for salad. It's hard to cut out ingredients when there's nothing more to add!

I did try this cranberry drink too. Not bad but I prefer the dried cranberries.




Dinner was chicken curry with potatoes and tau pok. Coconut milk was used too. I have this with thick bee hoon but I've abstained from bread.

While today have some avoids, I choose to take it easy and make sure I've enjoyed the food with no guilty conscience.

I'll working on being mindful of my choices and having a healthy relationship with food.

All compliant yesterday

For some reason, I'm not able to pull out yesterday's saved posted on lunch.

Anyway it has been all compliant, with lunch at Carnivore then some bites of Yoshinoya's beef bowl then finally a late supper of rice noodles with soup.

I fell asleep a satiated woman. :)

81.8 kg and feeling good

Sorry that my recent posts were short. Was in a hurry and wanted to track my weight somewhere.

I'm glad that the scale is finally moving after some stonewalling. Feeling optimistic. I want to move into the 70s in June!

Still on a clothes buying spree though I better stop. Credit card is groaning as it is!