Moment of Truth

I'm returning to work today. And the moment of truth arrives when I put on my clothes. Knowing that I've gained weight, become flabbier during the one week annual leave, I've craftily slipped on my looser clothes. They still fit comfortably though the torso and thighs are a little snugger than I would have like.  

This year, I want to focus on the state of mind behind the eating. I'm alternately terrified and want to lose weight. I'm scared that when I lose weight, I lose more of myself. Like as though I'm disappearing. And yet, eating right and working out actually makes me stronger. For me, it's not so much about losing weight but to be the best physically I can be. That means being the strongest, being able to push myself to achieve great physical feats. That's why one of my goals for this year is to be able to do 1 pull up without assistance.


I remember what Mark Sisson said about the Paleo lifestyle. While I don't follow it, I believe in its precepts. Am I strong enough to rescue myself? I.e. I can outrun my predators, lift heavy things out of my way and swing myself up to safety? Being able to survive is like obeying Mother Nature's most basic law - live and thrive.

So today as I returned to work, I'm keeping the internal critics down on my weight gain. Instead I choose to focus on what I can do today and for the future for my self. Rather than berating myself on why I'm such a failure to gain weight, I've began to understand that I've not shifted from a diet mentality to a lifestyle mentality.


Throughout last week, I thought I'll give myself a treat that I won't work out, eat whatever I want, as much as I want, without listening to my body. However I didn't feel as good as before. The snacks, pastries couldn't hold a torch to my durians and bananas. When I choose not to workout, I've dreamt of working out.

So much for self sabotage eh?

For most of my life, I've been overweight or obese.

I want this cycle to stop right now.

Because I want to live my best life right now, for the rest of my life.