Moment of Truth

I'm returning to work today. And the moment of truth arrives when I put on my clothes. Knowing that I've gained weight, become flabbier during the one week annual leave, I've craftily slipped on my looser clothes. They still fit comfortably though the torso and thighs are a little snugger than I would have like.  

This year, I want to focus on the state of mind behind the eating. I'm alternately terrified and want to lose weight. I'm scared that when I lose weight, I lose more of myself. Like as though I'm disappearing. And yet, eating right and working out actually makes me stronger. For me, it's not so much about losing weight but to be the best physically I can be. That means being the strongest, being able to push myself to achieve great physical feats. That's why one of my goals for this year is to be able to do 1 pull up without assistance.


I remember what Mark Sisson said about the Paleo lifestyle. While I don't follow it, I believe in its precepts. Am I strong enough to rescue myself? I.e. I can outrun my predators, lift heavy things out of my way and swing myself up to safety? Being able to survive is like obeying Mother Nature's most basic law - live and thrive.

So today as I returned to work, I'm keeping the internal critics down on my weight gain. Instead I choose to focus on what I can do today and for the future for my self. Rather than berating myself on why I'm such a failure to gain weight, I've began to understand that I've not shifted from a diet mentality to a lifestyle mentality.


Throughout last week, I thought I'll give myself a treat that I won't work out, eat whatever I want, as much as I want, without listening to my body. However I didn't feel as good as before. The snacks, pastries couldn't hold a torch to my durians and bananas. When I choose not to workout, I've dreamt of working out.

So much for self sabotage eh?

For most of my life, I've been overweight or obese.

I want this cycle to stop right now.

Because I want to live my best life right now, for the rest of my life. 

86.5 and still going strong

Today I woke up with a start at 7 am. I was dreaming of work. And how to do it. Before that, I had a weird dream that Sis got pregnant and she was shocked to find it out through the pregnancy tester.

The weird things that come up during a dream eh? Not that work was weird or anything.

Anyway today I did the usual, strip off while wondering whether specs count for something on the weighing scale and weigh myself.

86.5 kg. A fine sight indeed. I think if I continue eating the beef stew today and compliantly for the rest of the meals, I'll be in a good shape tomorrow.

I plan to work out today too so that I'll hit my 6 times a week for this week. Yay go me.... is that premature to acknowledge myself before it has been done? I don't think so.

I read on a weight loss blog that weight loss is mostly mental. There is the actual weight lost, yes but what drives it, what maintains it is mental. There is a reason why each of us wants to lose weight. And yet after losing the weight, it's common to find people who still think that they are fat. Their self image has not been updated at all.

I get it. My mental challenge is about eating in a social setting. Where there is food out there and I am with company, I tend to reach out to eat whatever is there. Cakes, pastries, curry puffs, sandwiches tempt the hell out of me. Yesterday Hubby and I was attending an essential oil massage session and the organizer requested that each of us bring the nibbles.

Although I first thought of buying potato chips (also because secretly I wanted to eat them), Hubby suggested that we buy fruits and healthy snacks like nuts instead. Wise plan indeed since I would be the one reaching out for them.

We bought pumpkin seeds (no one ate it so I brought it back!), honeyed pineapples (omg too sweet for me but Hubby loves it). walnuts (kept eating it because it is my Gatherer diamond food - think I'll buy some for myself!) and wasabi macadamia nuts (gosh I love them though they were avoids).

I want to learn on setting up choices so that I wouldn't set myself up for failure later. Hubby's suggestion taught me a lot indeed. I don't want to be a weird hermit who because of weight loss and food, rejects company, friendship and pleasurable memories. Even when we were eating out on Friday at Crystal Jade, he wanted to pick choices that were compliant.

"We can have our cake and eat it too."

Next weekend, I'm gonna be spending time with my best friend in a luxury hotel whoopee! And I really want to be compliant during that weekend.

I shall tread carefully and wisely.

Inspiration

An inspiration! A comment from the blogger Jack Sh*t Gettin' Fit when another blogger has been discouraged with her non-weight loss recently.

"Weigh-ins can be mysterious things. They can leave you with drops you don’t feel as though you’ve deserved and gains you definitely didn’t earn.

I think it comes down to a basic matter of trust. Trust that what you’re doing is right and that if you continue applying the same dedication to eating right and exercising, that it will all work out in the long haul. After all, the long haul is what we’re really concerned about after all, isn’t it?"

Food and Scarcity

*** This was in my drafts folder since Feb... gosh time has flew! ***

Today has been a great day. Woke up early and cook my beef stew before running over to J & G's house to help them pack. And squeezed in a morning workout as well. I tried walking at 6 km/h and realized that if I want to do the JP Morgan run walk, I will be walking at this speed for 1 hour since I could cover 2 km within 20 minutes.

It was a fun and yet tiring day. I could feel myself nodding off in the afternoon since I woke up 5.30 am today!

I haven't been very compliant today either. And that's on top of attending yesterday's cooking class where we ate yummy stuff including scrambled eggs with lavender (there was heavy cream inside), chicken, mushroom and sun dried tomato tarts (so so yummy!) and semolina cake *drools*.

It's ok. This is for the long haul and while I may have put on a kg, I am sure it will come off later on eventually.